F#@K CANCER! — Lani Milani

Yesterday I cried. I cried for a woman that I only knew through social media but seemed so relatable. I cried for a light that touched so many lives. I cried for a fighter. When I learned of the passing of my style muse Kyrzayda, I cried. My heart is broken for so many reasons. I began to follow her for fashion inspiration but ended up learning much more from her over the years. When she announced her diagnoses, I found myself more emotionally attached to her posts. I personally know how cancer can change your life and the lives of those around you and that the fight isn’t an easy one.
Kyrzada’s passing brought me face to face with my own reality. One that I have been quietly coping with for the past year. As I watched her post her last few days, I was forced to live in my own truth. And that truth is that cancer fucking sucks. September 6th 2017 was the day my life was forever changed. That day I received a call from my mother and sister, they unfortunately had to tell me that my Mom had been diagnosed with STAGE FOUR CANCER! I remember instantly falling to the floor in tears. When you hear those words you automatically think DEATH and I instantly thought I was going to lose my mother! The thought was crippling and brought me to my knees.
From the time I got the call, my life quickly became a whirlwind. I began to take trips home more frequently than ever to visit my mom and help her prepare for a surgery that we prayed would save her life. Fortunately the surgery was scheduled to take place shortly after learning diagnoses, so we would not have the fear that waiting often brings. In the midst of the stress and anxiety of coping with my mom, I found out I was pregnant- a miracle but also stressful on its own. Imagine wanting to celebrate the excitement of bringing a new life into the world but also constantly worried about the future of a loved one.
With the passing of Kyrzayda I am reminded that this could have been my mom, this story could have a different ending. I have lived and witnessed all of the feelings and changes of cancer that Kyrzayda so bravely shared with us. My heart hurts for her. My heart hurts for my mom. My heart hurts for cancer patients and their families everywhere who have or are enduring the pain and turmoil cancer causes. My mood is truly fuck cancer at this point. Cancer has made me and my family suffer BUT cancer made us strengthen our trust in God...but still F it. I’ve spent a year not openly discussing my mother and her diagnosis just cause talking about it makes it real and brings up all these unwanted emotions. Here we are almost year since her surgery and her being cancer free and talking about it openly is hard. After I cried for the inspiration and blessing that was Kyrzayda, I decided it is time I share my truth no matter how difficult it may be.
Kyrzayda left us with one last live video on instagram and in that video she demands with passion “Whatever you want to do in life do it now! Don’t wait until the next hour or tomorrow…no go do it now.”
Her words touched me and inspired me in ways I can’t describe. I promise myself that today is day one of a lifetime of changes and risk taking. I’m going to do what makes me happy and I’m not going to wait to do it. Thank you Kyrzayda for inspiring me not only with fashion, but for inspiring my soul. You inspired me to take a risk and write my truth and start my blog...FINALLY! Thank you for reminding me not to take life or the ones you love for granted. I’m blessed that my mom is alive and strong and I’m going to take full advantage making memories with her and LOVE up on her. Rest well Kyrzayda you fought, inspired and your legacy lives on.